This blog is mainly for myself. To let me and my future child know exactly how loved he/she is, and to continually remind myself of the struggles we faced. The fact that I just recently even told someone about this, is surprising, yet freeing. & since my story has lengthened after the start of this blog, I want to re-organize it. :)
We have discussed children pretty much since we were married in August 2009. We knew we needed to wait at least a year until my husband finished school and we bought a house, or close to buying a house. We discussed it again in October 2010, and said by the new year, I would start taking prenatals. Jan 1,2011 is when that happened. I stopped my birth control March 2011. At that time we were "trying/not trying" not having much of a clue when we were ovulating. I had been on birth control for about 4 years, main reason being my cycle was every 3 weeks instead of every 4, which was pretty annoying. After a few months of that, we thought we better get serious! Ovulation Predictor kits. No luck. I was worried at that point. When I went in for a routine Pap smear, I asked the dr about it, "your fine, no troubles and the fact that you don't know your medical history means nothing." Needless to say I didn't see him again.
By Christmas 2011, several friends that weren't trying became pregnant and my baby fever/obsession became so intense! I began to see life in a whole new way, charts, schedules, time was managed my months and 2 week intervals. I sat and watched new and old people on Facebook and message boards come in and go out, pregnant. My worst fears were becoming a reality. Just about that time, my period who slowly arrived early each month, was late. In fact, I was 4 days late. That was December 21st. I was ecstatic! A Christmas miracle, I had all the plans as to how we would announce it with gifts (we bought picture frames back in June in hopes we would announce sooner rather than later).
The next day, Big Bertha reared her ugly, ugly face! Defeat, yet again. I was surprised I felt that way, in October-ish, (I often lost count of cycles after they kept getting shorter), I decided I needed a break from the madness. We were still trying, but I wasn't testing and pretending to see a line that wasn't there.
Christmas that year was fine. I initially planned on being pregnant by then, but life is never the way you plan.
We started back up in January, at that point, I couldn't seem to get a positive ovulation test at all. I was frustrated. More and more Facebook friends were announcing pregnancy, gender reveals and the birth of their new baby girl or boy. I was knee deep in TTC. I became an expert on the lingo, abbreviations and meaning behind it all.
At this point, I was certain we had a problem. No positive ovulation tests, no positive pregnancy test... We began to realize that our insurance company would not cover the path we were about to take. Zero infertility coverage. I heard that the HMO version of our insurance was forced to cover infertility and we saw light at the end if the tunnel! That is, until I called them. They said they would cover the first initial visit and that is it. Fail. Major fail.
I then called the ONLY fertility clinic in WV @ Morgantown. I spoke to someone about coverage. She said nothing would be covered. I said, even though I haven't been diagnosed with infertility yet. To which she rudely replied, why else would you be here? As true as that question is, I assumed the office would have more compassion than that. I chalked it up to that fact that she probably has kids and has never had trouble and has no clue what it's like to fight like hell to make a family.
I vowed to avoid that place as along as I possibly could.
Thankfully, I work in a Dr's office as a Radiographer (in laymen's terms- an X-ray tech). A Physicians Assistant I worked with had a troubling experience, carrying a little boy to 28 weeks only to deliver stillborn. She started seeing a different gynecologist in the meantime. Enter, Dr Prouty. She loved him and because of her, I booked my first appointment for April 12, 2012.
That day, I had no idea what to expect. Did I want something wrong or did I want to be the 15% that was unexplained infertility. Everything normal and still no baby. He was handsome and very professional. I knew right away, he was honest. He was hopeful and seemed to always have an answer. After a quick history and Ultrasound, he said I don't think you ovulate. Well that would do it! No releasing of eggs or production of eggs would be one big reason why I wasn't pregnant. Since we were mid cycle that month, he prescribed Progesterone Suppositories so that month wouldn't be a wash. O.M.G. Holy hormones! That was intense! The next month, I started Femara 5mg. Directions: take 5mg on CD 3-7. Go in for a CD 10 ultrasound to check the follicles and see where you are. Each month I would go in, he would tell me my egg was so large it was going to release that night. My ovulation tests corresponded and that was that. On the 3rd round with no pregnancy, he suggested insemination. I asked if he could do that there and he said if he was 100%, he would. But since he knows someone that would do it better, he would send me there. The RE. :/ I wasn't happy with that. Our other option was Clomid. Oh the horror stories I have heard about that! He said we would have to be okay with the idea of multiples, I told him I would speak with my husband, but that's probably the route we would go.
Next up, Semen Analysis. Andrew was a trooper and performed in the "collection room". We received the results the next day. He has plenty of Sperm and good mobility & motility. But, 92% with abnormal morphology. Only 8% normal. Devastating. We visited the Urologist who who's main advice was to go and get drink. Wow, thanks! Wish I would have thought of that, oh one year ago! He wanted a second semen analysis and an ultrasound. My husband wasn't too comfortable with that, so we decided to wait.
July 16, 2012, I prayed to God to give me a positive pregnancy test, to not need Clomid or Insemination. July 17, 2012 430 am, I peed on a stick and went back to bed, I awoke at 915 to see 2 pink lines! The most glorious sight I have seen in my 25 years! I ran into Andrew, three it at him and took another, 2 lines again! Hallelujah kept replaying in my head! I was in complete shock I didn't know what to do. I called my dr and even they were so excited! I ran to the dr office I worked at and had bloodwork done! Hcg- 75, 3 days later- 247. We told our immediate family right away! They knew of our struggles and we were bursting at the seams to tell everyone! The next weekend we were able to see 2 gestational sacs on ultrasound! 2!!!!! At that time only one held a yolk, but stranger things have happened. We went back the next week and heard the beautiful, wonderful heartbeat. We were having a Baby! One that would look like us both! Possibly look like me! I have zero family members that even come close to looking like me! I hadn't been happier. I had a whole new outlook on life. I was a mommy! My not born yet niece Kayleigh would grow up with a cousin super close in age! I was able to record that beautiful sound of a heartbeat on my phone! I am cannot thank Megan Snider enough for those memories. She said in 2 weeks if we returned we would see a gummy beat!
We returned 2 weeks later, I immediate knew something was wrong. My uterus has retroverted. She couldn't find the baby. Once she found him, she spent 5 minutes looking for the heartbeat, she never found it. Devastated wasn't even a word to describe the absolute emptiness I felt inside. I felt so alone. My baby love was gone!
It was confirmed later via ultrasound and bloodwork. I scheduled my D&C for two weeks later. That was August 29, 2012.
I have been longing for that feeling ever since. On Round 4 of Femara in November, I was given the ovidrel shot. A shot made of gold. $103.00. I was convinced that would be it! I would be pregnant. Of course I wasn't. I am now on round 5 of Femara. I am awaiting an ultrasound Dec 6th to see what's next. . I can only pray again for a Christmas miracle this year.
