Changed

I wanted to come up with a witty title, but "Changed" just about sums it up.

I didn't elaborate much on my last post about my miscarriage and post-miscarriage, as I had already written a lengthy book. My miscarriage (or to be more technical - missed miscarriage) changed me. 100%.

Pain will do that.

I don't want to be looked at as someone for people to feel sorry for, but I have changed. At this point, 3 1/2 months post, I cannot really tell you if it is for the better yet. (Which is probably the lesson I am supposed to be learning from all this).

The day I found out I was no longer carrying my little one was the most devastating situation I have ever been through in my ENTIRE life. Yes, I am only 25. I get that. Nevertheless, my husband and I have been through some tough times. Hearing there was no longer a heartbeat was the lowest of lows, it trumped having to decide whether or not my husband would have back surgery at age 25 only to have to have it again years later. It beat finding out my birth mother had someone watching me 24/7 and knew exactly where I was at all times. It blew past it all.

Some people have said I should be happy that I at least got pregnant. Maybe if I were still pregnant, that statement wouldn't sting so much. Yes, I suppose I should be. Yet, I THANKED AND PRAISED God EVERYDAY for that little miracle (truly a miracle in my eyes). I gave HIM all the glory and said he directed us to the right physicians and medications and I PRAYED for that positive pregnancy test the night before, and he made it possible. When I found out I was pregnant, after taking the TWO positive pregnancy tests, I hit the floor, on my knees, thanking God for this BLESSING. *Please note: the words blessings and miracles have been overused in today's society, this was indeed a TRUE MIRACLE. & When I say blessed, my heart felt full and whole.

Fast forward 5 months later, my heart aches. It feels empty more often than it feels full. I am missing the utmost blessing, the most angelic thing on earth. I feel alone, often times when I am not.

One night in September, after my sister had her baby (the same day as my Follow up D&C appointment), my husband was out of town with his friends for a Bachelor Party. I lost it. I had never felt so forgotten. How can people so easily forget? I was clinging on to that feeling, and that day it was gone. I screamed and cried and yelled. I felt hopeless.

Several times I would break out into tears, mainly stress would trigger it. I felt as if the world was moving on & I wasn't ready to. My world had came crashing down August 18, 2012 & I was stuck. I made several attempts to make an appointment with my primary care doctor about how I was feeling, but I ended up cancelling. I wanted to get pregnant right away?! In my mind, I knew I didn't want to be on any type of medication while I was trying or pregnant and didn't know it, especially depression medication. So, I dredged on. (& I use dredged because I felt like a sinking ship. I was partly underwater, with my head floating there).

Writing this now, actually, is helping me cope. I still to this day think about my baby. I wear my memory necklace (an angel wing & March birthstone) everyday. When I feel down, I hold on to it. Something that is concrete. I have sat in our baby's room (crib, dresser, changing table & rocker- all put together. That's what happens when you have been trying for so long). I know that God will not make me barren, but I will have fought the good fight, paid my dues & WILL be rewarded with a child, of my own. I will be pregnant. I will have a baby shower. I will feel the baby kick & I will deliver successfully. I trust in God.

Praying all the time for my Christmas Baby!