What I Wish I Would Have Known

I am no expert. I haven't done IUI or IVF. I haven't had a HSG, I technically haven't even seen a true Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), but I know the pains of infertility. I know the pains of seeing one line each and every month. I bear the load of bloating, depression, and sadness. I know the pains when I see a newborn baby. I know miscarriage. I am that face. I just wish I had known it was going to be this hard.

That's one thing I never expected. It took me a while (not in some people's minds), but it took me a while to find my Prince Charming. Granted, I was 19. Yet at that age, my mom had been married for one year already. I thought I faced some trials in that department, not really dating in high school, staying out of trouble, being a goody two shoes per say. I paid my dues. Or so I thought.

Andrew made my life complete, as not make this super sappy. He is definitely my rock. In everything we have went through, my adoption saga, radiology school, Andrew's changing majors, Andrews back issues, to the point of almost surgery. We have been through it all. Or so we thought.

Enters, trying to have a baby. To make our family everything we dreamed. These are the things I wish I had known.

1) Facebook is your worst enemy- If it hadn't been for my side job photography business, I would have deleted my Facebook, oh, about a year ago. It's miserable. Seeing pregnancy announcements after one night stands, or pre-martial (not that that's bad, not my thing, but come on! We are doing it the right way over here!!!!) I shed a tear every time I see a new ultrasound picture, baby room or putting together of furniture. Word of advice: block them from your newsfeed. Sometimes I forget whose pregnant, and it clears my feed from an unwanted mental breakdown.

2) Instagram will be your friend- I find comfort in other ladies uploaded photos of their journey. I don't obsess about it like I did the forums. Try it. Hashtag: infertility, infertility sucks. :)

3) You will have a love/hate relationship with Google- One half of me says Google is the devil, the other half is in love. In the 21 months we have been trying, I have had a vitamin K deficiency, endometriosis, more than one miscarriage, hemochromatosis, and countless other diseases and disorders. Word of Advise: use it wisely. It can be you're friend, letting you know of the side effects and symptoms of your newest medication, shot, and give you insight and inspiring stories of success.

4). Guys: Trust her intuition- My husband bought What to Expect When She's NOT Expecting. It was pretty cute knowing he as actually getting into this. One thing said, I will never forget was to trust your spouse. When she thinks you will have a rough road when you first start trying, believe her. My gut instinct told me it wouldn't be easy. I didn't want to believe it, but month after month, negative test after new cycle, Andrew and I both started to believe. Guys- word of advice: Caress her fears, don't laugh at her. It will give her comfort. My husband has been pretty great at it!

5) Try and Stomach Everyone Else's Advice- Everyone and their mother will try and give you advice. To this day, with our meds, shots and suppositories (we are on a very strict schedule), people still tell me to relax. Umm, I'm sorry. When you don't ovulate, there is no relaxing. None. I just can't. If I relax, I miss a pill. And there goes that month. But, you can't argue. No matter what you say, I don't ovulate and my husband has retarded sperm, people will still tell you to take this, don't drink that, pray to God & wear boxers. If you respond with anything but a Good Idea, you will be stuck talking and re-explaining your story and situation for at least 10 minutes. So, if you have a place to go, just nod your head and say yes. Much faster. Lesson learned.

Until next time..

Trying NOT to be Debbie Downer

So I have been trying to make a good effort not to be such a downer and depressed. I don't think it's working..

I know I am not that bad off, I know that. Only trying for 20+ months, probably 28+ cycles, isn't that bad. Especially after today, I met a girl in her 30s that have been trying for 13 years! Thirteen!! What amazing assurance in God! She truly believes it will happen! Things like that puts a different perspective on baby making.

Although in the back of my mind, I wonder.. Why not try to adopt? I do need to remember how easy it is for me to say that since I am adopted and have very strong feelings toward the topic. But, of I am still trying 13 years later with no success, someone kill me! Not really, I will probably already be dead!

Praying this is the cycle and we will have a miracle Christmas baby to celebrate along with the reason for the season'

Score on a Keurig Mini Plus!

I was already to write a woe is me post on how I am so disappointed in my body and how I feel like I won't ever get pregnant, until I logged onto Kohls.com. :)

I still feel like Debbie Downer, but the new Keurig Mini plus at Kohls is supposedly 124.99. On Sale for 99.99. I added it to my cart and it automatically changed it to 89.99 with no promo code! Added Cyber20 promo code and got it for 76.31, tax included! & free shipping! Merry Christmas to my In Laws!

Also, I scored the Parallels 8 software my nephew wants for Christmas after dealing with incompetent people at Best Buy saying that they don't even have it listed on the website! So, since it was on sale this week from 79.99 to 59.99, I got on my phone and ordered it through the website! With our best buy gift card, only paid $38!

And I bought my momma eggless cookbooks! Feeling accomplished!

Left on our Christmas List

Andrews- secret!
Whitney (treys GF)- pandora charm
Papaw- 6 ft ladder
Grandma Stewart- clock
Dad- Nikon binoculars!
And that's pretty much it! :)

Negative Again

Story. Of. My. Life.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I thought for real this was it.. All the symptoms mean nothing... Nothing..

I am so tired of trying and trying.. Is this really Gods way of telling me I'm not meant to have my own baby?! Maybe I won't have enough patience and this is his way of telling me to give it up.. Give up the dream..

I probably sound ridiculous since its only been 20 months.. And we haven't even done anything invasive.. But it's how I feel... Depressed...

One More Day!!!

Bring on Christmas! Thanksgiving has come and gone... Our dinners were great, deviled eggs were successful, Christmas lights went up outside, tree and decor is up as well &&&& gifts are wrapped! GO ME!!

I am working on a makeshift studio at home to take indoor pictures! And we have been shopping our little hearts out! Thank goodness because I have been driving myself crazyyyy!!!

CD (Cycle Day:) 27
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 13!!!!
Symptoms: exhausted! Boobs are getting more sore, waves of nausea every now and then and slight stomach cramps..

Thoughts: I want to go to bed so it can be tomorrow!!!!!

Oh Please Oh Please, OH PUH-LEASE!

I am so anxious, my cold sore has spread. Dang it.

Yesterday, I felt okay all day. (I was at work, so I wasn't 100%, but that is usually acceptable)! I came home, was hungry, ate dinner (later 930pm) and laid down to watch tv. Felt okay, just tired. Then, I cut my husband's hair, I immediately felt queasy during. I finished, sat down at the toilet, heaved a few times and vomited. Not a lot, but enough!

Last time I vomited, 1) I was probably 3 weeks pregnant (didn't know it) and vomited after eating chili, I attributed it to the chili. 2) I was pregnant (about 5 weeks) and felt terrible, flu like!

THIS HAS TO BE A GOOD SIGN! HAS TO! HAS TO!

Since I have been having these symptoms, I tested this morning. BFN, which I expected. It was a dollar store test. & last time I was pregnant, I tested on a Dollar Store test at 11dpo, NEG, 14DPO - positive!

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

CD (Cycle Day): 25
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 11 (so freaking close)
Symptoms: Not as tired, Boobs slightly sore, more stomach cramps, aches, nausea and VOMITED LAST NIGHT!!!!  & as we speak, I feel nauseous! I HOPE SO!!!!

Thoughts: I'm seriously going to crawl up into a ball and lose it if I am not! AHH!!!!

4 More Days!

Okay, I am getting WAAAAY to excited! I will be one disappointed girl if this ends up being a bust! I have invested a lot in this cycle financially and emotionally. Its our first Official TTC cycle after  my miscarriage. I have gotten to "into" it, over anaylzing every little thing, all the twinges, bloating, aches and pains.

Our little family desperately needs some good news, or we might go crazy! My husband has been having a rough time with basketball with the new coach and cannot wait for March to get here. && I don't want March to be here - is that bad?! March would be the month of little baby bean would have arrived. It will also basically mark 2 years of TTC (stopping BC). March 26th is also Andrew's 27th birthday. Another birthday, with no baby. Our LO was due March 26th at one point, but then changed to March 29th/March 30th after the Ultrasound.

So, I am getting nervous. I am not sure if thats why my stomach feels like it's in knots like it is, or if its gas, or if it's a real live baby! :)

CD (Cycle Day): 24
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 10!!!!
Symptoms: So tired! My boobs are still sensative. Been having a LOT of gas, stomach pains/cramps.

Thoughts: I need to calm down before I get my hopes up.. Doesn't it happen when you least expect it? Not when you try your hardest? Please tell me that gets thrown out the window with Infertility. 

One Week Down! One To Go!!

I officially have one week left to wait!!!! Yay!!! Yesterday, I did manage to remember to test! It was the faintest positive! So Ovidrel still in my system! I am slightly relieved because I was nervous it wouldn't work at all! So, success! I will try to retest tomorrow, but who knows! ;)


CD (Cycle Day): 21
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 7!!!!
Symptoms: So tired! My boobs are sensitive but not necessarily hurting? If that makes sense!

Thoughts: I have been babysitting my niece every weekend.. Today she has been so very cranky! It actually make me cry a little! I sure hope that's not a bad sign! ;)

WOW. I have lost it..

I forgot again! Ahhhh! I wanted to see the double lines vanish slowly so I know it worked! I intended to test everyday until 14dpo! Boo!

Along with forgetting I test even tho I had a urine cup and pregnancy test set out, as my husband and I are leaving this morning from the garage. I backed my car out and proceeded to click the button to the garage and I watch as my husband is starting to back out and the garage door is going down! I screamed! Which did nothing! I tried hitting the button, nothing! Thank goodness my husband somewhat pays attention and saw it! Whew! Crisis averted! Did I mention I blame it on the progesterone?!?

CD (Cycle Day): 19
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 5
Symptoms: Nothing different.. Still exhausted, but I'm still working lol! My boobs aren't as sore.. Although, I have been very weirdly crampy. Almost like ovulation cramps or when I was pregnant before, like with stretching it causes pain.

Thoughts: I'm getting very frustrated with myself. And with these dang progesterone suppositories! I have never had such trouble with them and I have been on them since April! I put them in, very high. But by the morning, they are pretty much out! Annoying! As if me having a suppository up my wooha isn't enough!

Stupid Work!

Because, I had to get up at 5 am, I forgot to test! I'm blaming it on work! So, tomorrow will be 5 dpo & 6 days past Ovidrel (or as I would like to call it, the money shot)! Please, please please let my hormonal brain remember to test to see if this stinkin' shot is out of my system!

Stupid Work.

Stupid Progesterone..

Stupid Infertility....



So I can keep myself sane, and anyone who reads this too (which I doubt is anyone, as I do this mainly for myself) I am going to do a little questionnaire each time! :)


CD (Cycle Day):  18
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 4
Symptoms: I feel like I have sore boobs, but it's probably all in my head.. normally is. Plus, I am tired, but I also work 3 jobs - DUH!

Thoughts: Today, I am somewhat thankful my Infertility journey isn't as detailed as others.. I have two friends, one considering IVF because she has Cystic Fibrosis and the other in the heat of her first IVF cycle! I have my fingers crossed and prayers sent for both of them!

I Have Officially Lost It!

So in my previous post, I said I had 10 days to wait! Really?!? @ 2dpo, I have 10 days to wait? Wow!

So, at 3dpo, I now have 11 days left to wait! Oih! I would love love so say its hormones! I honestly hope so, because I promise- I was NEVER this scatter brained before! (Atleast I hope not) I am not so patiently waiting!

At least tomorrow I will test @ 5 days post ovidrel shot to see if the hcg has left my system! I don't know if I want it to or don't.. Apparently the ovidrel shot he prescribed is the lowest dose, I am just hoping it still works correctly!

Enough crazy talk! ;)

It's all a waiting game now!

I'm only 2dpo... 10 more freaking days!

I am not a patient person. At all. I have filled out my calendar when what CD I am, how many dpo, and how many days past ovidrel (to test).. So, looks like ill test Wednesday and see if its out of my system which I'll be 4dpo ad 5 days post shot.. Ahh,, the torture!

I've Been Shot! ;)

Well, I should be officially ovulating in about 12-24 hours! :)

I had one of the nurses at work administer the shot this morning, only temporary burning, and that was that.. I tested with an OPK, it's dark but could be darker! I'll test again tomorrow!

I have a love/hate relationship with the next part.. To "test out" my new trigger shot, I need to take a pregnancy test. If its positive, it worked. Last time I saw a positive test I was checking to see if any symptoms were left after my D&C. So, I want to see two lines, so I know it worked.. Most people continue to test to see when it leaves their system, which makes sense. My dilemma is, do I want it to turn negative (I know it left, but will give me a BFN feeling) or do I want it to remain positive (which could just be hormone and not pregnancy and I won't get that true, OMG I am pregnant feeling).

I shouldn't care at this point, at 14dpo I just want it to be positive and mean it! That's not so much too ask, is it?!?!?

& So It Continues!

Oih!

As usual, I see the dr on CD 10 to check my follicles after taking Femara. I knew something was different this cycle. Normally when I go, I am told my follicle is huge, about to release& that I should ovulate that night. That day, my OPK is dark, I feel bloated and crampy and ta-da, I ovulate! Which is amazing for me since I wasted such a long time! However, today was different. I knew it before I went in. I told my husband, something is different or something is wrong. My test line isn't even close to being dark.. I was so nervous for bad news!

Today I saw 6 follicles, with one mature one.. I hope that's a good thing! I have never seen more than one! I was told my mature follicle is 15mm & my lining was looking good, but will thicken. I should ovulate in the next 3-4 days. Sounds good right?!

Then he says, we will start Ovidrel, a shot. Now, I am assuming my body reset itself and my short cycles are no more. I just can't wrap my head around why he is so suddenly prescribing the shot now, when I got pregnant without it?! Maybe because I have more than one follicle or maybe because normally it's too late, and my follicle is about to release? I have no clue and I am forcing myself NOT to use Google!

When asking my doctor (who I love and adore) why my cycle is all of the sudden is the "norm", he said sometimes we just don't question why. We just don't. Makes sense, I still have no clue why I don't ovulate but have a cycle, and my cycle is 21 days long? Or was, I can say that now I guess.

So now, I wait.. Kind of. My calendar is filled with med dosage, dr appts, when to pick up and give my shot, when to start and stop my suppositories (yay-sarcasm). Now, I am not complaining by any means, but I just am amazed at the journey we have to take I order to be able to experience pregnancy.. To experience our baby kick, to feel the excitement of finding out the gender, having a baby shower, to experience labor.. And all the joys of having a little one!

I pray everyday. I need to continue to pray for understanding as well.

Infertility Saga + Life Update!

Well, last time we were awaiting to hear from our local school to see if Andrew got the head coaching job and he didn't :(. He was devastated, I am devastated and most of the parents/players are as well! He has worked entirely too hard to be told that he is "attached" to the last coach, and they want to get away from that era! It's frustrating to him and myself, I know what we can do! They do not! The new coach has some "baggage", and our officials even knew that they said, but picked him anyway. It's easy to be annoyed and quit, but hard to stick it out. Andrew is a brave soul, and is going to stick it out. (He obviously doesn't have my grudge holding skills) He is only staying because we all feel the new coach will not last and Andrew should rightfully have the job then!

The rest of our life has basically been work and I have officially started babysitting my cute little niece since my sister and her husband went back to work! It's so much fun and makes my heart smile seeing "Uncle Andrew" hold Kayleigh and even feed her! (Which is a major accomplishment, considering he is uncomfortable since the baby is not his own, Awww). I actually shed a tear or two after feeding and burping Miss Kayleigh, he was playing with her. She was just smiling and cooing... then she vomited all over Andrew and I had to laugh!

Watching Kayleigh makes me more excited and nervous to have a little one. I want a baby so bad and cannot wait to be able to sooth my own little one and know what he/she needs! I have started and finished Femara once again (4th month), and tomorrow I have my official ultrasound to check to see if there is a follice. I am somewhat nervous because my ovulation sticks are being a little weird not aren't producing much of a second line, but we will see!

Also, I x-rayed a patient whose name is Delani. I am now in love with that name! Plus its a D to match mine! :) I'm not sure if it outshines Ella yet, but its a close second!! :) :)

Danielle*

Mr. Logan Clelland {6 Months}

I work with Logan's Mommy and have been DYING to get my hands on him! He is such a cutie pie! He did awesome! He probably thought we were crazy at time, but we got some good ones! :)

My Handsome Nephew! {Senior 2013}

I am still kind of in shock that my nephew is a Senior in High School! When I started dating Andrew he was leaving elementary school! He is such a hardworking and smart guy, much like my husband! Actually, most of the time, people ask if Andrew is his dad. (Andrew is only 26, but apparently looks much older)!

 Our Ball Boy for the day! My husband!! :) :)