Happy 4th of July!

It's July 4th! One year ago, I was testing my ovulation like crazy- probably finishing up my last round of Femara, mourning what I thought was a dream of never becoming pregnant. We had just received the news that Andrews sperm morphology was low, with high debris (no one could seem to tell us what that meant), and a low volume. We were big devastated. My doctor gave us an ultimatum, it was this round or onto IUI. We had many people around us telling us that maybe it wasn't meant to be, some people just don't ever get pregnant & maybe adoption really was our calling. 

We cried and comforted one another and vowed that we would not give up; we just didn't know what the next step would be.  Less than 2 weeks later, I got up to pee at 4am, took a pregnancy test so I could stop the dreaded progesterone suppositories I had been on for months, and went to sleep. I woke back up at 915am, and made my usual morning bathroom trip. I barely looked at the pregnancy test before almost throwing it away. I died inside. 

There were two lines. Something I had NEVER seen before. Ever. I ran into Andrew trying to find the remote for the light and the tried to turn on a lamp that wasn't plugged in. I threw the test at him and ran back to the bathroom. I took another. Still 2 lines. (Of course this wasn't the way I wanted to tell Andrew, but there are no "fun" surprises with infertility. We immediately made a sign and took a picture with our cat, saying he was going to be a big brother- coming March 26th, 2013- according to our app. Andrews 27th birthday. 

One month later, we ended up losing our little one, whom I still strongly believe was a boy. No heartbeat, never any signs, no bleeding, nothing. Our hearts were broken. I thought, it's true. I will never be pregnant. I can't imagine myself being pregnant, it's the only stage in my life that I can't envision- it must be a sign. 

Here I sit, rocking in the nursery of my soon to be twin girls. God is amazing, always has been and always is. I dug myself into a hole before I fully gave God the control he was meant to have all along. I truly believe God and our baby boy sent these two girls to us exactly when we needed them. (We were given a 2nd ultimatum the month I became pregnant. 

We found out December 25, 2012. 

What more evidence do we need to know we are not in control, as much as I wanted to be. I got to celebrate Jesus's birthday and the news of a new pregnancy. In my heart, I said this was the last time. I couldn't go through the heartache of it all, if this pregnancy was a success- I may only carry one child. 

He has proven me wrong. He heard my fears of disappointment, struggle, and miscarriage and gave us twins. 

Amazing doesn't even describe it. 

Happy 4th of July! -Ella Faith & Bria Cole