Mourning the Loss of a 2nd Pregnancy

This is NOT what you think it is. 

It's something I just have to get out.

This post may be geared more towards MoMs (moms of multiples) and [possibly] moms of special needs babies. 

I am not pregnant and no, I wasn't pregnant and just had a miscarriage. Although, I have been through that [a missed miscarriage] and arguably it was the worst time of my entire life. There are No words to describe that pain. 

But. I think I have words to describe this pain.... Or feeling. I haven't quite figured out what it is yet. 

Andrew and I always wanted two kids. Well, okay maybe Andrew said 3 and I gently reminded him- yes he had 3 siblings and while it was probably wonderful for him- Heidi was 11 years older than him and Stacy was 7- it was different for me, growing up with 3 under 2.5. [I am adopted , at 6 months, a year later, Sabreena comes along and 11 months later --same year 1989-- Raven comes along] & while I'm sure my mom has many fond memories of all three of us. I have memories where one person is always left out. 

"Clubs" or secret groups were a big thing when I was growing up and not everyone could be in the club.. I mean- what would make it special if everyone were involved. 

Anyways, so we decided on two. That's plenty right!? 

When we were first pregnant and oh so excited. I had big dreams. I was for certain I was having a boy. A big brother he would be later! How fun! Obviously, when we lost him- I was beyond  devastated. 

{I don't know if I have ever shared this picture... This was with our first pregnancy. We were due on Andrews birthday March 26. This is why I could

never do chalk bump dates. I did a few previous to this one .. Every Friday I did them. This was my last one.}

Fast forward- 2 years later. I am blogging while my 16 (almost 17) month old twins nap! Lucky  and blessed just do not TOUCH how I feel to have them in my lives. It's indescribable. That I was given this trial, of twins, and God thought I was Mom enough to do it! 

So. Why am I feeling sad? I had a 2 for one pregnancy. Buy one, get one. Double trouble. Isn't that what they all say? 

I have everything I ever wanted. 2 kids. 

I worry though. WhAt if they both move away. What if they aren't close to me? What if they both decide not to have kids? Or only one? What if.... 

Plus.. 

I was only pregnant once. Some people

Would rejoice over that. In a way, it's nice.  But I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling them kick and move and rubbing my hands on my belly. I am probably, most definitely, forgetting the puking that went on for 24+ weeks, several times a day, anywhere and everywhere. I'm probably forgetting testing my blood sugar four times a day and watching my carb intake. I'm probably forgetting the swelling, the PUPPs rash, the itching. I'm probably forgetting all that. But I miss it all. I was so thankful to be able to go to the dr twice a week for NSTs and see my girls every few weeks on ultrasound. 

I'm just sad that, my girls will never truly be "big sisters", I'll never get a picture of all 3 in similar or matching outfits. They won't get to experience having a baby around. & I'll never get to experience a singleton. 

But, I can't complain. I'm beyond blessed in every way shape and form. 

I'll just silently mourn the loss of something I never really knew I wanted.