Love/Hate Relationship With Advice

I think I've made it pretty clear through social medias that I'm desperate for sleep. Twitter I vent. IG I try to keep as upbeat as possible- there are so many people dying for sleepless nights due to infertility that I would never cross that line. I was once that girl. Facebook (private groups) I seek advice from my fellow twin moms. 

I've randomly mentioned at work how exhausting it is and they usually give me the same advice, drop a nap, or I don't know what to say, etc. 

The Facebook twin mom group has been super helpful. There are other mommas going through similar things and some mommas have overcame it. I've sought advice from them. One girl actually hired a sleep consultant and gave me good tips to start CIO, cry it out method. Poor thing, she's my sounding board lately but I couldn't appreciate her advice anymore! I'm very thankful for her tips and listening ear! 

I was never opposed to the CIO method before I get pregnant. I assumed I wouldn't be such a softie. I also assumed I would have one baby like everyone else. Twins are amazing and I wouldn't trade them for the world but they are a million times harder than a singleton and I don't care if you kids 10 months apart. ITS NOT THE SAME. Period. 

CIO is no different. How can you let one sleeping baby be interrupted by a screaming crying baby who is trying to learn to self soothe? Not fair. 

We tried it out last night. 

The worst feeling ever. The last time I cried this much was probably my miscarriage. It's the most painful thing. No lie. 

The girls did excellent until 245, and the a remit ensued. We tried to let her work it out. 20 minutes, went in- made not worse. I think I made it 35 minutes. Even worse. I was balling- throwing myself on the floor, the bed. The living room couch. I could hear her crying for dada. Both girls were incessantly screaming and hyperventilating crying. Finally at 4:00am I couldn't take it anymore. I had has enough. I picked up Ella and Andrew picked up Bri and within minutes they were both asleep and didn't fuss until 630. 

I'm so torn. I know this is what they need, what I need, but it feels SO wrong. Rocking Ella at 400am this morning, cuddling her, hearing her whimpers and having her little arm/hand cling to my shirt with the tightest grip- that felt right. 

My husband asked me what we were doing tonight and I don't know. I may have to leave if it happens. I had the worst anxiety last night. I can't handle hearing the babies that I cried and prayed for everyday cry so hard they can't breathe and I'm not doing anything.

Lord. Help. Me