Monday, December 31, 2012

A Look Back at 2012!

2012 has been a doozy!

Although, the more I think about it, every year has its challenges!

2009- graduating X-ray school, passing my boards & marriage

2010- Andrew is still in school, learning how to live on one income- mine!

2011- our rental being put up for sale, having to find a place to live.. Going from a three bedroom modular to a one bedroom 800 square foot house! In May- we bought our first home! 2,000+ square feet!!! Started our journey TTC

2012-

Had pictures done since we didn't have any maternity pictures in sight!

In April, found out I didn't ovulate. Started Femara and Progesterone

In June, found out Andrew has some issues of his own. Went on vacation to Myrtle beach!

In July, visited with family in Cleveland, Ohio. Found out we were pregnant on July 17! First hcg- 75; second- 247. Realized we were due March 26, Andrews birthday!

In August- heard the magical heartbeat. Next ultrasound- no heartbeat. Decreasing labs & D & C. 6 days off work.

In September, my niece Kayleigh Sue Weaver was born! It is love!

In October, started back TTC.

In December, was able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test! Best Christmas Ever! 16dpo- 898 hcg 18dpo- 2054 (my prediction- twins!?)

Bring on 2013!!




























Sunday, December 30, 2012

Hallelujah!

2,054!

Doubling time of 41 hours!

Heck, yes!

Praise God! Can't wait to call my doctor tomorrow!

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Holy cow! & I thought the 2 WW was bad! Waiting for my second blood test results are horrible!!

I had them drawn after 48 hours from first. So I had them drawn yesterday about 2ish.. Apparently the lab already picked up :/

Today was my first day back so I was anxious to get to work to get my results. Then the lab guy didn't call like he normally does at 930/10am, so I thought I was going to have to take my lab to Mg local hospital. Thankfully, Mr. Lab Man came at 1230! :) He said it probably won't be done until tomorrow!

Update! As I type this, the sweet lab man, also named Ron personally called me and said to expect it before we leave at 5! I love love love working in a doctors office!

How Far Along: 4 weeks 5 days
Size: orange seed
Symptoms: fatigue, boobs über sore, nausea, hunger and thirst like no other




Friday, December 28, 2012

Drumroll please!!!!!

O.M.G

The girl that was going to call me about my bloodwork, called off today. :/

Soooo, I called our lab and waited on hold for what felt like forever!

Only for wonderful Carrie to get back on the phone and say 8-9-8!!!!!

898.


I hear the hallelujah song playing in my head.

898? When in July, it was 75!!!

O.M.G

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Dun, Dun, Dunnnnn......

Cue the music!

Today is the day!

Bloodwork day! (I probably won't find out until tomorrow :/)

I am hopeful and anxious to see what my numbers are!

Then, I should get to schedule my appt! Ahhhh!!

Fingers crossed for amazing hcg levels!!

Praise the Good Lord!







Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Holy Baby, Batman!!

I am in shock. Still.

Who gets to experience a positive pregnancy test on Christmas Day?

This girl. And her hubby.

I thought I had fooled my handsome husband into thinking we wouldn't find our for a couple more days. He then remembered that we were most fertile on Dec 11, and the be added 14 days. I did get to surprise him by putting it in his stocking!

He was so surprised! I teared up a little, but I am cautiously excited! However, the two pics I posted, the 2nd lines came up immediately, and are dark! In June, they were not this dark!

EDD: September 3, 2013
DPO: 15
Bloodwork: go tomorrow
Symptoms: extremely tired, boobs sore, waves of nausea
Feeling: so insanely blessed and excited! Celebrating Jesus's birthday and a pregnancy?! Can it get any better?!?!?

:)
:)
:)




Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas Eve!!

Merry Christmas Eve! Prayers that as we celebrate Jesus' birthday tomorrow, that I am able to celebrate the birth of a new life inside! I hope more than anything I can share the good news on Christmas to my hubby!

CD: 28
DPO: 13
Symptoms: sore sore boobs, some nausea here and there & very tired!

I think everyday I have been off I have taken a nap! Keep those pregnancy symptoms coming!



Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Countdown Is On!

Wahoo! The seconds are ticking away as we speak!

It has been a busy past few days! I am officially on Christmas vacation worth my husband and his JV Bearcat team came back from 19 down last night and won!!! I felt so incredibly proud of my husband for that win! What an awesome game plan and half time speech! Take that!

Today we get a call from the Athletic director that Andrew gets to coach the Varsity game today because the head coach is sick!!!!! (I'm guessing its the fact that it snowed 5-6 inches and he lives 45 minutes away! But, either way we will take it! :) :)

I was supposed to watch my darling niece today, but because of the snow her momma, aka my sister, didn't go to work! I get her back tomorrow and tomorrow starts the Christmas Extravaganza of family time, praising God and gift giving!i love to see the look of everyone's faces when they receive their gifts from us!

CD:26
DPO: 11
Symptoms: some waves of nausea, tired boob soreness (but prob all in my head)!


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Trying Not To Be Anxious

What a bad day, well kind of!

It started out fabulous! Got a bonus check from work as our Christmas bonus and it was larger than last year! It's always nerve wracking as we work for a private employer and tis is obviously his own money he does this with..

Then it just got worse, my husband is the assistant coach for the boys basketball. The head coach hardly EVER rides the bus to away games, yet again he leaves all the kids with Andrew and says he is going to meet them over there. Shocker. I try to tell Andrew he needs to do something about it, because he is all the time complaining. He said no. So we get into an argument over that.

I'm constantly getting stuck doing everything at work.. That's annoying..

& I feel crampy.

Ok so it's not a terrible day, but I hate arguing with Andrew. He just complains so much about this new coach and does nothing, it's so frustrating!

On another note,
CD: 22
DPO: 7!!!!!
Symptoms: crampy.

Yay! Made it to one week wait! Take that 2WW!!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Thankful for the Holidays!

I am 6dpo and barely even realized it! That is one good thing about the holidays! Time does move fast! I work 8-8 the next two days then a short 8-1 Friday! and then I am officially on my Christmas Vacation!!!! And everyone knows how quickly a vacation can pass by!


I have had this quote as my background for a week or two now. & as I was reading another bloggers journey, she mentioned a bible verse that states not to be anxious., but come to God in prayer. & that is exactly what I plan on doing!

Prayers that I will not be anxious and I will and am be confident that God will provide!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Remembering My March Baby

My sweet little grandma knows me all too well. She said, I want to give you this but it will make you cry. She was right. This empty carriage represents our little one that passed too soon. I always knew I would get an ornament for baby's first Christmas, but I never imagined I would have to have an ornament for our angel. Praying this Christmas we not only celebrate the birth of Jesus, but the birth of a new pregnancy! All my faith is in him!


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

2 B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L Lines!

Best 2 lines I have seen! :) ( well besides my pregnancy test back in july!)

I am so thankful I ovulated. This is my test from yesterday! After a year not ovulating, it's such a blessing that I can ovulate now! Fingers crossed this strong test is what I need! :)

CD 16, 1 dpo
Symptoms- still feel some pressure, but my CP is lower than what It was.. Feeling very confident this cycle! If not I'm begging for one more! ;)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My Body is Quite the Comedian

Well played body, well played.

After a mini freak out yesterday, questioning whether or not I will ovulate or may have missed the positive test by trying to ration out my strips, I got my positive today!!!

I have been very crampy and full feeling, so I had an inkling that it was coming! I decided I couldn't just wait it out and guess, which my husband wanted to do.. I went to Walmart on a quick break from work and tested at work and it was positive!!! SO so much darker than the control! Yay!!!

How does my body to from CD 10 ovulating to now CD 15? So.. This puts finding out if this cycle worked or not on December 25, Christmas Day! Oih!

Praying for my Christmas BFP!!

CD 15- ovulation!
Symptoms- soooo much pressure, so full! Very crampy! Sticky CM and a high CP! Score!!





Update! Apparently today is the most fertile day of the year! How about that?!? Fingers crossed!

Monday, December 10, 2012

CD 14!

Well, I'm officially on CD 14, and I don't think I will ovulate today, probably tomorrow. My strip is definitely darker, but not as dark as the control line just yet! Which stinks, because I only have one ovulation strip left! :\

I feel very confident about this cycle, my husband has been a great comforter and supporter and truly believes we won't need IUI!

This is my baby niece, Kayleigh, who I babysit every weekend. She was semi cranky Saturday, but was her usual adorable self Sunday! (Saturday was my first full day by myself - my husband was away at a PE Leadership Conference) & I have to say, I did excellent! My momma did come over, like she does every Sat/Sun at 11am after feeding my sister's dogs and watched her for 15 minutes while I went to the bank, but it was a successful weekend! :)

CD- 14
Symptoms- super full & crampy (which ironically- I LOVE because it means my ovaries are working in full swing and one of you (or two) follicles will release an egg!

Bring on The Christmas BFP!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Getting Closer to My Christmas Miracle

I find myself researching IUI. When I do, I stop.

I won't need IUI, I know it. I have faith that God will bless me with our Christmas miracle of becoming pregnant.

I love my doctor and all, but we did this on our own once. ( well, not technically on our own. A few drs visits, Femara 5mg x 5 days, ultrasounds, soft cups, and progesterone suppositories) but, it was natural! No doctor had to inject anything or do a sperm wash. We did it.

We can do this, again!

I have been praying to God for peace of mind and comfort. He delivered. Andrew and I feel confident that this month will work!

Praying!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Good News/ Bad News

I had my CD 10 ultrasound this morning, alone. Andrew had to work and we want him to save up his vacation time for maternity leave.

I had what looks like a cyst in the right side, could be a corpus luteum that hasn't released from last month, and a good size 14.2mm on the left side. So I should ovulate in about 4 days. He decided not to do the shot this month, I'm kind of confused as to why.

He then said that if this doesn't work, he suggests an IUI. Intrauterine Insemination. I had a mini breakdown inside, he could tell. He said he hates to keep dragging me along when one round of IUI may do the trick. He went on to say he knows I ovulate on this medication. That works. So it must be Andrews sperm. He re-reviewed his semen analysis and said his high debris may be keeping the sperm from reaching my egg.

I broke down. If this month doesn't work, no more doing it natural. After this, a doctor will inject the sperm to get it as close to the egg as possible. That's exactly how I dreamt of having my sweet baby. Not hardly.

What I wouldn't give to get pregnant for free... :(

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

To My Husband

For better or for worse.. In sickness and in health.

When we recited these vows August 1, 2009. I knew we would be tested. I never knew what was to come.

For the first few years of our marriage, my husband battled some pretty intense back pain. We saw a chiropractor, physical therapist, family care doctor, and neurosurgeon. He had X-rays, electrical stem therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic adjustments, 2 MRIs, 2 nerve block injections under CT and countless trials of various medications. These said medications elevated his liver enzymes, so he had to stop. 3 bulging discs with nerve impingement. Great.

It was so bad, he ended up with several weeks off work, walking like an 80 year old man. At one point, he was completely stuck on the floor, we thought maybe his jeans were restricting him from getting up. He took off his pants, no luck. After an hourglass finally crawled into the kitchen doorway and pulled himself up. I thought the EMS was going to find him stuck in the floor in his undies. Several days I had to put on his socks and underwear. He mentioned if this happened when he was living at home, he would have went commando. -_-. Thankfully after all those tests and a big pep talk from our awesome neurosurg, Andrew is 100% better. He's back to playing basketball, golf and tennis like a champ! We thought that was our big life test. That was our in sickness and in health, right?!

Wrong.

Enters for better or for worse. No where in the vows did it say fertile or infertile, child or childless. It was an automatic assumption. We were going to have kids. 2.5, American average. (Our average since Andrew wanted 3, and I wanted 2) ;)

Infertility is a major strain on a marriage in more ways than one: emotionally, financially, and spiritually. This is where my awesomely handsome husband comes in! I could not be more thankful. I am so thankful that he has been such a constant support in this crazy journey! Not only has this journey been crazy, I have been crazy. With countless different medications, vitamins and hormones taken, I have had several different personalities!

When we received the news of his Semen Analysis, I was devastated. That breakdown was one of the worst I have ever had. Even while I was at work, he managed to calm me down and caress my fears. He constantly reminds me why I fell in love with him when he leaves random notes or texts saying how great of a mother I will be and no matter how it happens, we will be parents!

He has been to so many ultrasounds and dr appts, listening to my constant whining and complaining and barely bats an eye. Looking back, the sweetest moment was when we were discussing our miscarriage. He said he was so upset because he knew how much having a baby of our own meant to me!

Our love is stronger than ever and I love him 100x more than when I said it for the very first time. I am so insanely blessed to have married such a supportive man!

I can't wait to have my babies raised by such an amazing person!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Changed

I wanted to come up with a witty title, but "Changed" just about sums it up.

I didn't elaborate much on my last post about my miscarriage and post-miscarriage, as I had already written a lengthy book. My miscarriage (or to be more technical - missed miscarriage) changed me. 100%.

Pain will do that.

I don't want to be looked at as someone for people to feel sorry for, but I have changed. At this point, 3 1/2 months post, I cannot really tell you if it is for the better yet. (Which is probably the lesson I am supposed to be learning from all this).

The day I found out I was no longer carrying my little one was the most devastating situation I have ever been through in my ENTIRE life. Yes, I am only 25. I get that. Nevertheless, my husband and I have been through some tough times. Hearing there was no longer a heartbeat was the lowest of lows, it trumped having to decide whether or not my husband would have back surgery at age 25 only to have to have it again years later. It beat finding out my birth mother had someone watching me 24/7 and knew exactly where I was at all times. It blew past it all.

Some people have said I should be happy that I at least got pregnant. Maybe if I were still pregnant, that statement wouldn't sting so much. Yes, I suppose I should be. Yet, I THANKED AND PRAISED God EVERYDAY for that little miracle (truly a miracle in my eyes). I gave HIM all the glory and said he directed us to the right physicians and medications and I PRAYED for that positive pregnancy test the night before, and he made it possible. When I found out I was pregnant, after taking the TWO positive pregnancy tests, I hit the floor, on my knees, thanking God for this BLESSING. *Please note: the words blessings and miracles have been overused in today's society, this was indeed a TRUE MIRACLE. & When I say blessed, my heart felt full and whole.

Fast forward 5 months later, my heart aches. It feels empty more often than it feels full. I am missing the utmost blessing, the most angelic thing on earth. I feel alone, often times when I am not.

One night in September, after my sister had her baby (the same day as my Follow up D&C appointment), my husband was out of town with his friends for a Bachelor Party. I lost it. I had never felt so forgotten. How can people so easily forget? I was clinging on to that feeling, and that day it was gone. I screamed and cried and yelled. I felt hopeless.

Several times I would break out into tears, mainly stress would trigger it. I felt as if the world was moving on & I wasn't ready to. My world had came crashing down August 18, 2012 & I was stuck. I made several attempts to make an appointment with my primary care doctor about how I was feeling, but I ended up cancelling. I wanted to get pregnant right away?! In my mind, I knew I didn't want to be on any type of medication while I was trying or pregnant and didn't know it, especially depression medication. So, I dredged on. (& I use dredged because I felt like a sinking ship. I was partly underwater, with my head floating there).

Writing this now, actually, is helping me cope. I still to this day think about my baby. I wear my memory necklace (an angel wing & March birthstone) everyday. When I feel down, I hold on to it. Something that is concrete. I have sat in our baby's room (crib, dresser, changing table & rocker- all put together. That's what happens when you have been trying for so long). I know that God will not make me barren, but I will have fought the good fight, paid my dues & WILL be rewarded with a child, of my own. I will be pregnant. I will have a baby shower. I will feel the baby kick & I will deliver successfully. I trust in God.

Praying all the time for my Christmas Baby!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Our Story

This blog is mainly for myself. To let me and my future child know exactly how loved he/she is, and to continually remind myself of the struggles we faced. The fact that I just recently even told someone about this, is surprising, yet freeing. & since my story has lengthened after the start of this blog, I want to re-organize it. :)

We have discussed children pretty much since we were married in August 2009. We knew we needed to wait at least a year until my husband finished school and we bought a house, or close to buying a house. We discussed it again in October 2010, and said by the new year, I would start taking prenatals. Jan 1,2011 is when that happened. I stopped my birth control March 2011. At that time we were "trying/not trying" not having much of a clue when we were ovulating. I had been on birth control for about 4 years, main reason being my cycle was every 3 weeks instead of every 4, which was pretty annoying. After a few months of that, we thought we better get serious! Ovulation Predictor kits. No luck. I was worried at that point. When I went in for a routine Pap smear, I asked the dr about it, "your fine, no troubles and the fact that you don't know your medical history means nothing." Needless to say I didn't see him again.

By Christmas 2011, several friends that weren't trying became pregnant and my baby fever/obsession became so intense! I began to see life in a whole new way, charts, schedules, time was managed my months and 2 week intervals. I sat and watched new and old people on Facebook and message boards come in and go out, pregnant. My worst fears were becoming a reality. Just about that time, my period who slowly arrived early each month, was late. In fact, I was 4 days late. That was December 21st. I was ecstatic! A Christmas miracle, I had all the plans as to how we would announce it with gifts (we bought picture frames back in June in hopes we would announce sooner rather than later).

The next day, Big Bertha reared her ugly, ugly face! Defeat, yet again. I was surprised I felt that way, in October-ish, (I often lost count of cycles after they kept getting shorter), I decided I needed a break from the madness. We were still trying, but I wasn't testing and pretending to see a line that wasn't there.

Christmas that year was fine. I initially planned on being pregnant by then, but life is never the way you plan.

We started back up in January, at that point, I couldn't seem to get a positive ovulation test at all. I was frustrated. More and more Facebook friends were announcing pregnancy, gender reveals and the birth of their new baby girl or boy. I was knee deep in TTC. I became an expert on the lingo, abbreviations and meaning behind it all.

At this point, I was certain we had a problem. No positive ovulation tests, no positive pregnancy test... We began to realize that our insurance company would not cover the path we were about to take. Zero infertility coverage. I heard that the HMO version of our insurance was forced to cover infertility and we saw light at the end if the tunnel! That is, until I called them. They said they would cover the first initial visit and that is it. Fail. Major fail.

I then called the ONLY fertility clinic in WV @ Morgantown. I spoke to someone about coverage. She said nothing would be covered. I said, even though I haven't been diagnosed with infertility yet. To which she rudely replied, why else would you be here? As true as that question is, I assumed the office would have more compassion than that. I chalked it up to that fact that she probably has kids and has never had trouble and has no clue what it's like to fight like hell to make a family.

I vowed to avoid that place as along as I possibly could.

Thankfully, I work in a Dr's office as a Radiographer (in laymen's terms- an X-ray tech). A Physicians Assistant I worked with had a troubling experience, carrying a little boy to 28 weeks only to deliver stillborn. She started seeing a different gynecologist in the meantime. Enter, Dr Prouty. She loved him and because of her, I booked my first appointment for April 12, 2012.

That day, I had no idea what to expect. Did I want something wrong or did I want to be the 15% that was unexplained infertility. Everything normal and still no baby. He was handsome and very professional. I knew right away, he was honest. He was hopeful and seemed to always have an answer. After a quick history and Ultrasound, he said I don't think you ovulate. Well that would do it! No releasing of eggs or production of eggs would be one big reason why I wasn't pregnant. Since we were mid cycle that month, he prescribed Progesterone Suppositories so that month wouldn't be a wash. O.M.G. Holy hormones! That was intense! The next month, I started Femara 5mg. Directions: take 5mg on CD 3-7. Go in for a CD 10 ultrasound to check the follicles and see where you are. Each month I would go in, he would tell me my egg was so large it was going to release that night. My ovulation tests corresponded and that was that. On the 3rd round with no pregnancy, he suggested insemination. I asked if he could do that there and he said if he was 100%, he would. But since he knows someone that would do it better, he would send me there. The RE. :/ I wasn't happy with that. Our other option was Clomid. Oh the horror stories I have heard about that! He said we would have to be okay with the idea of multiples, I told him I would speak with my husband, but that's probably the route we would go.

Next up, Semen Analysis. Andrew was a trooper and performed in the "collection room". We received the results the next day. He has plenty of Sperm and good mobility & motility. But, 92% with abnormal morphology. Only 8% normal. Devastating. We visited the Urologist who who's main advice was to go and get drink. Wow, thanks! Wish I would have thought of that, oh one year ago! He wanted a second semen analysis and an ultrasound. My husband wasn't too comfortable with that, so we decided to wait.

July 16, 2012, I prayed to God to give me a positive pregnancy test, to not need Clomid or Insemination. July 17, 2012 430 am, I peed on a stick and went back to bed, I awoke at 915 to see 2 pink lines! The most glorious sight I have seen in my 25 years! I ran into Andrew, three it at him and took another, 2 lines again! Hallelujah kept replaying in my head! I was in complete shock I didn't know what to do. I called my dr and even they were so excited! I ran to the dr office I worked at and had bloodwork done! Hcg- 75, 3 days later- 247. We told our immediate family right away! They knew of our struggles and we were bursting at the seams to tell everyone! The next weekend we were able to see 2 gestational sacs on ultrasound! 2!!!!! At that time only one held a yolk, but stranger things have happened. We went back the next week and heard the beautiful, wonderful heartbeat. We were having a Baby! One that would look like us both! Possibly look like me! I have zero family members that even come close to looking like me! I hadn't been happier. I had a whole new outlook on life. I was a mommy! My not born yet niece Kayleigh would grow up with a cousin super close in age! I was able to record that beautiful sound of a heartbeat on my phone! I am cannot thank Megan Snider enough for those memories. She said in 2 weeks if we returned we would see a gummy beat!

We returned 2 weeks later, I immediate knew something was wrong. My uterus has retroverted. She couldn't find the baby. Once she found him, she spent 5 minutes looking for the heartbeat, she never found it. Devastated wasn't even a word to describe the absolute emptiness I felt inside. I felt so alone. My baby love was gone!

It was confirmed later via ultrasound and bloodwork. I scheduled my D&C for two weeks later. That was August 29, 2012.

I have been longing for that feeling ever since. On Round 4 of Femara in November, I was given the ovidrel shot. A shot made of gold. $103.00. I was convinced that would be it! I would be pregnant. Of course I wasn't. I am now on round 5 of Femara. I am awaiting an ultrasound Dec 6th to see what's next. . I can only pray again for a Christmas miracle this year.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

What I Wish I Would Have Known

I am no expert. I haven't done IUI or IVF. I haven't had a HSG, I technically haven't even seen a true Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), but I know the pains of infertility. I know the pains of seeing one line each and every month. I bear the load of bloating, depression, and sadness. I know the pains when I see a newborn baby. I know miscarriage. I am that face. I just wish I had known it was going to be this hard.

That's one thing I never expected. It took me a while (not in some people's minds), but it took me a while to find my Prince Charming. Granted, I was 19. Yet at that age, my mom had been married for one year already. I thought I faced some trials in that department, not really dating in high school, staying out of trouble, being a goody two shoes per say. I paid my dues. Or so I thought.

Andrew made my life complete, as not make this super sappy. He is definitely my rock. In everything we have went through, my adoption saga, radiology school, Andrew's changing majors, Andrews back issues, to the point of almost surgery. We have been through it all. Or so we thought.

Enters, trying to have a baby. To make our family everything we dreamed. These are the things I wish I had known.

1) Facebook is your worst enemy- If it hadn't been for my side job photography business, I would have deleted my Facebook, oh, about a year ago. It's miserable. Seeing pregnancy announcements after one night stands, or pre-martial (not that that's bad, not my thing, but come on! We are doing it the right way over here!!!!) I shed a tear every time I see a new ultrasound picture, baby room or putting together of furniture. Word of advice: block them from your newsfeed. Sometimes I forget whose pregnant, and it clears my feed from an unwanted mental breakdown.

2) Instagram will be your friend- I find comfort in other ladies uploaded photos of their journey. I don't obsess about it like I did the forums. Try it. Hashtag: infertility, infertility sucks. :)

3) You will have a love/hate relationship with Google- One half of me says Google is the devil, the other half is in love. In the 21 months we have been trying, I have had a vitamin K deficiency, endometriosis, more than one miscarriage, hemochromatosis, and countless other diseases and disorders. Word of Advise: use it wisely. It can be you're friend, letting you know of the side effects and symptoms of your newest medication, shot, and give you insight and inspiring stories of success.

4). Guys: Trust her intuition- My husband bought What to Expect When She's NOT Expecting. It was pretty cute knowing he as actually getting into this. One thing said, I will never forget was to trust your spouse. When she thinks you will have a rough road when you first start trying, believe her. My gut instinct told me it wouldn't be easy. I didn't want to believe it, but month after month, negative test after new cycle, Andrew and I both started to believe. Guys- word of advice: Caress her fears, don't laugh at her. It will give her comfort. My husband has been pretty great at it!

5) Try and Stomach Everyone Else's Advice- Everyone and their mother will try and give you advice. To this day, with our meds, shots and suppositories (we are on a very strict schedule), people still tell me to relax. Umm, I'm sorry. When you don't ovulate, there is no relaxing. None. I just can't. If I relax, I miss a pill. And there goes that month. But, you can't argue. No matter what you say, I don't ovulate and my husband has retarded sperm, people will still tell you to take this, don't drink that, pray to God & wear boxers. If you respond with anything but a Good Idea, you will be stuck talking and re-explaining your story and situation for at least 10 minutes. So, if you have a place to go, just nod your head and say yes. Much faster. Lesson learned.

Until next time..

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Trying NOT to be Debbie Downer

So I have been trying to make a good effort not to be such a downer and depressed. I don't think it's working..

I know I am not that bad off, I know that. Only trying for 20+ months, probably 28+ cycles, isn't that bad. Especially after today, I met a girl in her 30s that have been trying for 13 years! Thirteen!! What amazing assurance in God! She truly believes it will happen! Things like that puts a different perspective on baby making.

Although in the back of my mind, I wonder.. Why not try to adopt? I do need to remember how easy it is for me to say that since I am adopted and have very strong feelings toward the topic. But, of I am still trying 13 years later with no success, someone kill me! Not really, I will probably already be dead!

Praying this is the cycle and we will have a miracle Christmas baby to celebrate along with the reason for the season'

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Score on a Keurig Mini Plus!

I was already to write a woe is me post on how I am so disappointed in my body and how I feel like I won't ever get pregnant, until I logged onto Kohls.com. :)

I still feel like Debbie Downer, but the new Keurig Mini plus at Kohls is supposedly 124.99. On Sale for 99.99. I added it to my cart and it automatically changed it to 89.99 with no promo code! Added Cyber20 promo code and got it for 76.31, tax included! & free shipping! Merry Christmas to my In Laws!

Also, I scored the Parallels 8 software my nephew wants for Christmas after dealing with incompetent people at Best Buy saying that they don't even have it listed on the website! So, since it was on sale this week from 79.99 to 59.99, I got on my phone and ordered it through the website! With our best buy gift card, only paid $38!

And I bought my momma eggless cookbooks! Feeling accomplished!

Left on our Christmas List

Andrews- secret!
Whitney (treys GF)- pandora charm
Papaw- 6 ft ladder
Grandma Stewart- clock
Dad- Nikon binoculars!
And that's pretty much it! :)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Negative Again

Story. Of. My. Life.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I thought for real this was it.. All the symptoms mean nothing... Nothing..

I am so tired of trying and trying.. Is this really Gods way of telling me I'm not meant to have my own baby?! Maybe I won't have enough patience and this is his way of telling me to give it up.. Give up the dream..

I probably sound ridiculous since its only been 20 months.. And we haven't even done anything invasive.. But it's how I feel... Depressed...


Friday, November 23, 2012

One More Day!!!

Bring on Christmas! Thanksgiving has come and gone... Our dinners were great, deviled eggs were successful, Christmas lights went up outside, tree and decor is up as well &&&& gifts are wrapped! GO ME!!

I am working on a makeshift studio at home to take indoor pictures! And we have been shopping our little hearts out! Thank goodness because I have been driving myself crazyyyy!!!

CD (Cycle Day:) 27
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 13!!!!
Symptoms: exhausted! Boobs are getting more sore, waves of nausea every now and then and slight stomach cramps..

Thoughts: I want to go to bed so it can be tomorrow!!!!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Oh Please Oh Please, OH PUH-LEASE!

I am so anxious, my cold sore has spread. Dang it.

Yesterday, I felt okay all day. (I was at work, so I wasn't 100%, but that is usually acceptable)! I came home, was hungry, ate dinner (later 930pm) and laid down to watch tv. Felt okay, just tired. Then, I cut my husband's hair, I immediately felt queasy during. I finished, sat down at the toilet, heaved a few times and vomited. Not a lot, but enough!

Last time I vomited, 1) I was probably 3 weeks pregnant (didn't know it) and vomited after eating chili, I attributed it to the chili. 2) I was pregnant (about 5 weeks) and felt terrible, flu like!

THIS HAS TO BE A GOOD SIGN! HAS TO! HAS TO!

Since I have been having these symptoms, I tested this morning. BFN, which I expected. It was a dollar store test. & last time I was pregnant, I tested on a Dollar Store test at 11dpo, NEG, 14DPO - positive!

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

CD (Cycle Day): 25
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 11 (so freaking close)
Symptoms: Not as tired, Boobs slightly sore, more stomach cramps, aches, nausea and VOMITED LAST NIGHT!!!!  & as we speak, I feel nauseous! I HOPE SO!!!!

Thoughts: I'm seriously going to crawl up into a ball and lose it if I am not! AHH!!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

4 More Days!

Okay, I am getting WAAAAY to excited! I will be one disappointed girl if this ends up being a bust! I have invested a lot in this cycle financially and emotionally. Its our first Official TTC cycle after  my miscarriage. I have gotten to "into" it, over anaylzing every little thing, all the twinges, bloating, aches and pains.

Our little family desperately needs some good news, or we might go crazy! My husband has been having a rough time with basketball with the new coach and cannot wait for March to get here. && I don't want March to be here - is that bad?! March would be the month of little baby bean would have arrived. It will also basically mark 2 years of TTC (stopping BC). March 26th is also Andrew's 27th birthday. Another birthday, with no baby. Our LO was due March 26th at one point, but then changed to March 29th/March 30th after the Ultrasound.

So, I am getting nervous. I am not sure if thats why my stomach feels like it's in knots like it is, or if its gas, or if it's a real live baby! :)

CD (Cycle Day): 24
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 10!!!!
Symptoms: So tired! My boobs are still sensative. Been having a LOT of gas, stomach pains/cramps.

Thoughts: I need to calm down before I get my hopes up.. Doesn't it happen when you least expect it? Not when you try your hardest? Please tell me that gets thrown out the window with Infertility. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

One Week Down! One To Go!!

I officially have one week left to wait!!!! Yay!!! Yesterday, I did manage to remember to test! It was the faintest positive! So Ovidrel still in my system! I am slightly relieved because I was nervous it wouldn't work at all! So, success! I will try to retest tomorrow, but who knows! ;)


CD (Cycle Day): 21
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 7!!!!
Symptoms: So tired! My boobs are sensitive but not necessarily hurting? If that makes sense!

Thoughts: I have been babysitting my niece every weekend.. Today she has been so very cranky! It actually make me cry a little! I sure hope that's not a bad sign! ;)

Thursday, November 15, 2012

WOW. I have lost it..

I forgot again! Ahhhh! I wanted to see the double lines vanish slowly so I know it worked! I intended to test everyday until 14dpo! Boo!

Along with forgetting I test even tho I had a urine cup and pregnancy test set out, as my husband and I are leaving this morning from the garage. I backed my car out and proceeded to click the button to the garage and I watch as my husband is starting to back out and the garage door is going down! I screamed! Which did nothing! I tried hitting the button, nothing! Thank goodness my husband somewhat pays attention and saw it! Whew! Crisis averted! Did I mention I blame it on the progesterone?!?

CD (Cycle Day): 19
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 5
Symptoms: Nothing different.. Still exhausted, but I'm still working lol! My boobs aren't as sore.. Although, I have been very weirdly crampy. Almost like ovulation cramps or when I was pregnant before, like with stretching it causes pain.

Thoughts: I'm getting very frustrated with myself. And with these dang progesterone suppositories! I have never had such trouble with them and I have been on them since April! I put them in, very high. But by the morning, they are pretty much out! Annoying! As if me having a suppository up my wooha isn't enough!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Stupid Work!

Because, I had to get up at 5 am, I forgot to test! I'm blaming it on work! So, tomorrow will be 5 dpo & 6 days past Ovidrel (or as I would like to call it, the money shot)! Please, please please let my hormonal brain remember to test to see if this stinkin' shot is out of my system!

Stupid Work.

Stupid Progesterone..

Stupid Infertility....



So I can keep myself sane, and anyone who reads this too (which I doubt is anyone, as I do this mainly for myself) I am going to do a little questionnaire each time! :)


CD (Cycle Day):  18
DPO (Days Past Ovulation): 4
Symptoms: I feel like I have sore boobs, but it's probably all in my head.. normally is. Plus, I am tired, but I also work 3 jobs - DUH!

Thoughts: Today, I am somewhat thankful my Infertility journey isn't as detailed as others.. I have two friends, one considering IVF because she has Cystic Fibrosis and the other in the heat of her first IVF cycle! I have my fingers crossed and prayers sent for both of them!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I Have Officially Lost It!

So in my previous post, I said I had 10 days to wait! Really?!? @ 2dpo, I have 10 days to wait? Wow!

So, at 3dpo, I now have 11 days left to wait! Oih! I would love love so say its hormones! I honestly hope so, because I promise- I was NEVER this scatter brained before! (Atleast I hope not) I am not so patiently waiting!

At least tomorrow I will test @ 5 days post ovidrel shot to see if the hcg has left my system! I don't know if I want it to or don't.. Apparently the ovidrel shot he prescribed is the lowest dose, I am just hoping it still works correctly!

Enough crazy talk! ;)

Monday, November 12, 2012

It's all a waiting game now!

I'm only 2dpo... 10 more freaking days!

I am not a patient person. At all. I have filled out my calendar when what CD I am, how many dpo, and how many days past ovidrel (to test).. So, looks like ill test Wednesday and see if its out of my system which I'll be 4dpo ad 5 days post shot.. Ahh,, the torture!

Friday, November 9, 2012

I've Been Shot! ;)

Well, I should be officially ovulating in about 12-24 hours! :)

I had one of the nurses at work administer the shot this morning, only temporary burning, and that was that.. I tested with an OPK, it's dark but could be darker! I'll test again tomorrow!

I have a love/hate relationship with the next part.. To "test out" my new trigger shot, I need to take a pregnancy test. If its positive, it worked. Last time I saw a positive test I was checking to see if any symptoms were left after my D&C. So, I want to see two lines, so I know it worked.. Most people continue to test to see when it leaves their system, which makes sense. My dilemma is, do I want it to turn negative (I know it left, but will give me a BFN feeling) or do I want it to remain positive (which could just be hormone and not pregnancy and I won't get that true, OMG I am pregnant feeling).

I shouldn't care at this point, at 14dpo I just want it to be positive and mean it! That's not so much too ask, is it?!?!?

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

& So It Continues!

Oih!

As usual, I see the dr on CD 10 to check my follicles after taking Femara. I knew something was different this cycle. Normally when I go, I am told my follicle is huge, about to release& that I should ovulate that night. That day, my OPK is dark, I feel bloated and crampy and ta-da, I ovulate! Which is amazing for me since I wasted such a long time! However, today was different. I knew it before I went in. I told my husband, something is different or something is wrong. My test line isn't even close to being dark.. I was so nervous for bad news!

Today I saw 6 follicles, with one mature one.. I hope that's a good thing! I have never seen more than one! I was told my mature follicle is 15mm & my lining was looking good, but will thicken. I should ovulate in the next 3-4 days. Sounds good right?!

Then he says, we will start Ovidrel, a shot. Now, I am assuming my body reset itself and my short cycles are no more. I just can't wrap my head around why he is so suddenly prescribing the shot now, when I got pregnant without it?! Maybe because I have more than one follicle or maybe because normally it's too late, and my follicle is about to release? I have no clue and I am forcing myself NOT to use Google!

When asking my doctor (who I love and adore) why my cycle is all of the sudden is the "norm", he said sometimes we just don't question why. We just don't. Makes sense, I still have no clue why I don't ovulate but have a cycle, and my cycle is 21 days long? Or was, I can say that now I guess.

So now, I wait.. Kind of. My calendar is filled with med dosage, dr appts, when to pick up and give my shot, when to start and stop my suppositories (yay-sarcasm). Now, I am not complaining by any means, but I just am amazed at the journey we have to take I order to be able to experience pregnancy.. To experience our baby kick, to feel the excitement of finding out the gender, having a baby shower, to experience labor.. And all the joys of having a little one!

I pray everyday. I need to continue to pray for understanding as well.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Infertility Saga + Life Update!

Well, last time we were awaiting to hear from our local school to see if Andrew got the head coaching job and he didn't :(. He was devastated, I am devastated and most of the parents/players are as well! He has worked entirely too hard to be told that he is "attached" to the last coach, and they want to get away from that era! It's frustrating to him and myself, I know what we can do! They do not! The new coach has some "baggage", and our officials even knew that they said, but picked him anyway. It's easy to be annoyed and quit, but hard to stick it out. Andrew is a brave soul, and is going to stick it out. (He obviously doesn't have my grudge holding skills) He is only staying because we all feel the new coach will not last and Andrew should rightfully have the job then!

The rest of our life has basically been work and I have officially started babysitting my cute little niece since my sister and her husband went back to work! It's so much fun and makes my heart smile seeing "Uncle Andrew" hold Kayleigh and even feed her! (Which is a major accomplishment, considering he is uncomfortable since the baby is not his own, Awww). I actually shed a tear or two after feeding and burping Miss Kayleigh, he was playing with her. She was just smiling and cooing... then she vomited all over Andrew and I had to laugh!

Watching Kayleigh makes me more excited and nervous to have a little one. I want a baby so bad and cannot wait to be able to sooth my own little one and know what he/she needs! I have started and finished Femara once again (4th month), and tomorrow I have my official ultrasound to check to see if there is a follice. I am somewhat nervous because my ovulation sticks are being a little weird not aren't producing much of a second line, but we will see!

Also, I x-rayed a patient whose name is Delani. I am now in love with that name! Plus its a D to match mine! :) I'm not sure if it outshines Ella yet, but its a close second!! :) :)

Danielle*

Mr. Logan Clelland {6 Months}

I work with Logan's Mommy and have been DYING to get my hands on him! He is such a cutie pie! He did awesome! He probably thought we were crazy at time, but we got some good ones! :)








My Handsome Nephew! {Senior 2013}

I am still kind of in shock that my nephew is a Senior in High School! When I started dating Andrew he was leaving elementary school! He is such a hardworking and smart guy, much like my husband! Actually, most of the time, people ask if Andrew is his dad. (Andrew is only 26, but apparently looks much older)!


 Our Ball Boy for the day! My husband!! :) :)